You Won’t Believe How This Town Saved Money
The following is what we used to call satire, and what we now call fake news. I think when I wrote this a long time ago, I was just thinking about how odd it is that we ship our children all over town to send them to school, and that drawing parallels between busing & curbside pickup is, in some ways, unavoidable.
FARMINGTON, CT With a plan called by a local bean counter as “ingenious,” the town of Farmington, CT has avoided a 2016 budgetary shortfall and saved up to 17% of projected future yearly costs. During a press event on Monday, the Mayor announced the move to combine local garbage pickup and school bus routes, effective immediately.
“We were looking to create efficiency in our school bus routes to save money,” said Bill Thompson, town Controller. “But then we realized that we already have a service that stops at every single house in town: curbside rubbish collection.”
The measure calls for the complete cessation of all bus routes and the immediate termination and resultant castigation and societal shaming of all bus drivers. Four new green and white garbage trucks will be purchased, at a cost of $462,000, which will be used to augment current routes. Local children will enjoy “door to door” pickup and will no longer freeze their asses off waiting on the corner. The plan is to have children hang on for dear life from the side of the garbage trucks while the trucks careen through the dangerous streets toward school.
The project enjoyed broad bipartisan support during the budgetary committee process. Local middle-of-the-road liberal Sarah Snyder stated, “Whatever, at least we’ll get garbage pickup every day now.” Frank Overwood, a well known and respected right-wing lunatic, had this to say, “With God’s help, the automated crushing mechanisms necessary for garbage pickup will not crush our children’s tiny limbs.”
But the measure has experienced certain objections, although from the same people who supported the election of Nancy Baits in the clerk’s office, who everyone in the town hates and knows is totally cheating on her husband. For example, the group “Environmentalists for the Future” quickly issued a statement calling the action “Commendable, but misguided.” The group argued successfully both for and against the project, citing both environmental benefits due to gas savings and pollution due to the noxious odors given off by the garbagey children while sitting at their desks doing nothing for twelve hours.
The teacher’s union, in a brutally misspelled essay, assaulted the mayor’s efforts to save the town from the budget shortfall. “We already have to smell children every day of the week, for the whole, entire year, except for summer and generous nondenominational holiday vacations. We will not put up with anything that makes the stink of children more powerful.”
Residents are advised to leave at least five feet between their garbage bins to allow room for the children to stand between them, for maximum safety. Further questions from the public may be addressed to the new Superintendent of Education, who is also the old Director of Sanitation.